It is sometimes too much to know and too much to feel...never thought they also are a blessing disguised as a worse curse. Cause it is too painful!
The Seeking : After a long time again, when I find myself in this situation of love, conflict, and the way life is happening around me, I want to know myself more deeply. What are these emotions? What is it that I am not able to express, when I am someone who is expressive of everything?
What am I longing for?
How do I name it?
I am hurting myself within. I am making myself feel loved toooo… but what other emotion, what other expression, is waiting for a trigger from outside to open within me?
What is life trying to teach me?
What is it asking me to understand?
What is it asking me to simply observe?
I don't understand the clue… I am confused and helpless.
But the seeking is only becoming stronger.
Deeper.
The Cost of Knowing : Sometimes I wish I didn't know. Because knowing comes with a cost — endurance and acceptance.
There was a phase when I lived through ignorance.
Though it was fake and untrue, I enjoyed it wholeheartedly. Because I didn't know. And that was okay then. At least I was happy in that ignorance. Now I know.
And I cannot unsee what I see.
I cannot forget, or pretend I don't know, what I know.
That questions everything about myself.
Right now, I cannot even say that I want to be ignorant again.
I want to live in truth.
Endure.
Accept.
But I need the courage to do all of this. I can't say I am totally happy with this knowledge. But at least I am not living in an illusion.
And when I really feel happy,
at least that is true.
The Part We Cannot Share : I guess there is one part of us that needs to be dealt with only by us.
Can't share it with anyone.
And that part makes us feel all alone. Like we are at war alone, carrying the wrong weapon.
Utterly scared.
Lost.
Clueless.
That one part makes us feel alone — not because we are alone… But because we simply cannot share it.
No words can help us express it.
No explanation feels enough.
We are at a loss.
Just for that one part.
